I caught roughly the second half of the Academy Awards last night at the gym, and I can’t say I was disappointed. I’ve loved Marion Cotillard ever since seeing her in Big Fish, and that love only grew with A Very Long Engagement, so I’m glad to see her take home the Golden Guy for Best Actress. I have seen neither “There Will Be Blood” nor “No Country For Old Men,” so I can’t really delve into their merits. But I can delve into red carpet fashion!
Jessica Alba, honey, what happened? I understand that it’s a good idea to by fabric in bulk when it’s on clearance at the Dollar Store, but that doesn’t mean you have to use it all! And the bird you plucked and put on your boobs wants to go home now, please, thank you.
The Cheno was absolutely stunning. Black is always a good choice, and the shape of the dress accented her petite frame perfectly. As Tim Gunn would say, “it’s all about proportion,” and she has a keen understanding of it.
Diablo Cody. I don’t know where to begin. All I’ll say is props for major individuality. And also for looking like a giraffe with a bob.
Sure, Daniel Day-Lewis, you took home the Oscar for best actor. But you did it in a tuxedo with brown trim and wearing fucking hideous shoes. Surely those two negate each other.
Patrick Dempsey, I want to melt you into a puddle of liquid sex and slurp you up with a straw. With emphasis on the slurping. Slurpslurp.
My vote for best-dressed of the evening undoubtedly goes to Katherine Heigl. She looked stylishly modern in her perfectly shaped red dress, and managed to throw down the retro hairstyle. She was Marilyn Monroe in a red dress with sass and I loved every second of it.
Heidi Klum, you are in. And if anybody disagrees, I’ll auf them for you.
Dear Ellen Page, you are a gorgeous young woman with an excellent figure. So next time you get invited to Hollywood fashion’s showcase, please don’t show up in an inflatable garbage bag. Love, David.
I saved the
best most frightening for last. Jennifer Hudson. Okay, so many problems here. Honey chil’, white is not your friend. And when I saw the snakeskin-print beading, I thought there was a boa constrictor cutting off circulation to your boobs.